So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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