We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
