if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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