i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
