he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
