well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
