I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
