my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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