I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
