His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize