If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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