I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
