I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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