My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
