Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
