Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
