i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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