just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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