oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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