what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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