He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
