I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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