I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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