just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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