me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
They took my balls.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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