Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
