i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
