break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i drank out of a bidet.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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