absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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