No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
