piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
