Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
