we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
