My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize