I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
