I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
