and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i dont even know how to be here
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
