So drunk its hurt
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
