So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
