our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
this is an emotional support booty call
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
