I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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