There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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