she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
