had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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