the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
