He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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