R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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