Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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