my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
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So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We have started to decorate penises.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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