This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
