she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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