I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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