how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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