both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
