____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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