I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
