I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
