lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
