My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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