kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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