If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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