I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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