He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
True college students do jello shots in the library
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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